Say I'm Sorry
by Flaming Flying V
Summary: Post ME3: Joker finds out about what happened on Tiptree. He also finds out Shepard knew all along, making the seemingly random event of a night before the Rannoch missions fall into place. Formerly, now One-Sided Shoker, Shenko.
1. Chapter 1

**Author mini rant: I was on a writing kick this week, and what came out was angst. ALL OF THE ANGST. I blame ME3. After Bioware was serious about the "So we hear you want Jokermance? SO WE'RE PUTTING HIM WITH EDI!" thing, my main Shep ended up with Kaidan. It just seemed to flow nice storyline and headcanon wise, not to mention it made me squeal like a middle school fangirl (I blame the fact I played the game for like three days straight. Yay Spring Break). I totally mean to write a legit Jokermance follow up to 'Someone That You're With', but I've had this idea stewing in my head ever since finishing the game, as well as five other things I plan on typing up and posting on here. And I'll throw a shout out to my friend and next dorm neighbor Chelsea for being the person who reads all of the things I come up with. Sorry I made you sad with these XD**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mass Effect series. If I did, then you could guess my changes.**

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><p>For the first week, they wouldn't let her have visitors. The second they allowed her mother and Kaidan to see her, and that was really only because of Hackett's doing. The third week was when they finally allowed her crew to see her, even if she still wasn't awake due to the medically induced coma.<p>

By then, he had heard the news from Tiptree. About his father and sister. The colony was apparently hit before the Cerberus problem on the Citadel, probably when Shepard was taking out a mini Reaper with the source of what PTSD from Akuze she did suffer, saving the Krogan and losing a good friend in the process. Before they left the Citadel for Rannoch, the same week where he broke Shepard's heart and she and Kaidan started to have something, a Spectre had approved for the Asari who survived Tiptree to have a gun. She took her own life the same day.

The gun had come with a note. It had apparently read "_I'll help you where you couldn't help them. From, a friend of the family_."

After finding that out, it was obvious who did it.

Shepard was one of the unlucky few to get an actual room at the hospital to themselves. The majority of the injured in the area were set up in tents or four to a room. Three weeks after the Reapers were destroyed, and there were still wounded waiting in the halls to get properly checked out. He felt lucky compared to some of the soldiers sitting in the halls, but guilty at the same time. He didn't really get any injuries like they did, being behind the helm of the Normandy and all, but they were down there in ground zero.

It was the first time since he saw her since the vid feeds cut out. There was no nice way to put it: She looked like hell. An arm and leg were both in casts, her face bandaged and bruised, hair singed and uneven, and was hooked up to so many monitors it was reminiscent of the bridge. That was just what he could see.

He wasn't alone in the room however. He noticed Kaidan passed out at her bedside, also looking worse for wear, but not to the same level as Shepard. One of his hands was interlaced with her non-broken one. He sighed '_Poor, lovesick bastard_'.

He had barely touched the other man's shoulder when he jolted awake. "What? What's wrong?"

"Calm down man, it's just me."

Kaidan's panic seemed to settle. "Oh. What are you doing here Joker?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Good point."

He watched as the biotic took a seemingly shaky breath and run his free hand through his hair. "How long have you been here?" Joker asked.

"Honestly, I haven't left the hospital since they allowed me and her mother to visit. Hannah and I usually take shifts watching over her, but she was called out on a recovery mission out around Australia the other day."

Joker put a hand on his shoulder "Kaidan, go take some time to take care of yourself. I've got her."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I made a promise to be there when this was all over and-" His voice seemed to hitch "I have to be the one to tell her."

A lump formed in the pilot's throat "Tell her what?"

"We were... She..." He knew it couldn't be good. Kaidan was never one to be at loss for words. "I would've been a dad."

The only sounds in the room were the beeping of equipment and the commotion outside.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry."

The other man was obviously trying his hardest not to break down "We weren't going to say anything until after the fight in case… This happened. Just, please, don't tell anyone else."

Between the three of them, they had lost too much family to the war. His dad and Hilary, Sandra's brother Jason was listed as MIA after the Reapers took out Arcturus Station, Kaidan lost his dad, and the two of them had lost a child they would never know. Too much sacrifice. "You have my word."

"Thank you." Kaidan replied. He scoffed "Hell, I don't even think I'll be able to tell her."

"Kaidan, please," Joker pleaded "She wouldn't want you putting yourself through hell like this". When he didn't respond, he added "Just a half hour to clean yourself up and get something to eat. That's all I'm asking. If not for me, then for her."

The older man sighed in defeat and got up from him chair to kiss the broken woman's forehead. "I'll be back soon. I love you."

"Don't worry, I'll get you if something happens." Joker said. Kaidan just simply nodded .

As Kaidan walked out the door, Joker couldn't help but feel a pang of envy, of jealousy. It was only a few months ago when he unknowingly held Commander Shepard's affections in his hands, but ended up crushing those with his ignorance. The only thing that came out of it was that she became more broken down than she already was, but Kaidan became the one to break that fall. His feelings for his friend had become jumbled with her confession and outburst after his rejection, not knowing how strong she really felt about him.

Not that they really mattered anymore with her and the other Spectre finally giving into the tension between them. He was happy for her though. Kaidan was a better man for her than he. At least he knew what his feelings for Shepard were all along, even if it took them three years, her dying, Horizon, him getting nearly killed on Mars and holding each other at gunpoint to finally stop dancing around each other.

The pilot took over the empty chair and tried to go over in his head what to say to her. He didn't know if she could hear what he was saying, or if he had free reign and could just sit there and read her comic books and she wouldn't even know. He smiled sadly to himself, thinking that even if she were able to hear him in that scenario, she probably wouldn't mind. '_You were always as big of a nerd as I was_' he thought, thinking of how they would spend their off days and long transit hours watching old Earth vids like Firefly and Star Wars.

"Hey Sandy. Sorry I've been quiet." He began "I know what I came here to say, but I was caught up in memories of how we used to be. Back in the days before the Reapers totally fucked up everything and when it was totally okay to have a drinking game centered around scanning planets. They went and screwed that up too didn't they?" He looked up to the bandaged face of his commander, hoping for some response. Nothing. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. "God, what happened to us? Oh yeah, right.

"Yes, I realized how stupid that was and I did want to say something but…" He looked towards the door in case anyone came in. "What you and Kaidan have is something I could never give you. I couldn't be the one to have pulled you out of that rubble in the blast zone. I couldn't be the one to sit here at your bedside for days waiting for you to wake up. I guess what I'm trying to say here is yeah, I care about you. I care about you more than I can even fathom right now and it took me too damn long to figure that out, but I'm not good enough for you."

That wasn't what he came to the hospital to say at all. He wasn't completely sure why it even slipped out. "Look, that's not why I'm here, and I guess you'll strangle me as soon as you wake up if you are really hearing all of this, but I'll cut to the chase.

"I found out about my dad and sister. About the Reapers attacking, about the asari huntress who took Hilary with her away during the attack. Later that same asari having to kill her so they wouldn't be heard. She was apparently at that hospital on the Citadel suffering from PTSD and kept asking her councilor for a gun. Somehow she got her hands on one and ended up blowing her brains out. Funny thing about that actually; She was allowed to have the gun by the authority of a Spectre."

He didn't mean to sound mad. He really didn't know how to feel about it. He just sighed and added "I guess that's why you came up to the bridge that night like you did."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I want to thank everyone for the reviews that I've gotten! They're like the best kind of candy 8D. Just a heads up, I'm planning on writing my own headcanon ending fic which will tie into this. SO MUCH STUFF TO WRITE. But that's what happens when you have nothing else to do in lecture classes, yay college.**

**To answer a question I had in my reviews, EDI is here, but on the 'just friends' route. I'll probably delve more into that with the ending fic.**

**But yeah, reviews are love :D**

**Usual disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, I'm just playing in Bioware's sandbox. The sweet, angsty sandbox D8**

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><p>It was an unusually quiet night cycle on the transit to meet with the quarian admirals. Joker had grown used to having a 'co-pilot' of some sorts on trips like those, but EDI had gone off somewhere else on the ship, something about gathering data, and Shepard, well, their friendship had grown strained in the past two weeks since the Citadel coup. The pilot highly doubted they would be having their usual transit hang outs for a very long time. Even when he thought about it, he realized they really hadn't had time to just sit down and talk since she turned herself in to the Alliance after the Alpha Relay ordeal.<p>

This in mind, he was shocked when she came up. He didn't notice it when she came and sat down in EDI's spot in the co-pilot seat, which really was Shepard's spot to begin with it seemed.

"Hey." She simply said, making him jolt in his seat in surprise.

"Jesus Christ!" He nearly squeaked. "Damnit Shepard, I told you I need a rear-view mirror up here!"

She just shrugged "Wouldn't do you much good. I could always cloak you know."

"Fair enough." He said with a chuckle. "No place is safe."

He noticed a faint smile ghosting over her face when he finally looked over. Ever since Mars she had taken up a less professional "Screw the regs, I'm Commander Shepard and I'll wear whatever the fuck I feel like wearing" state of mind. EDI thought it would be a good idea to give her a welcome back present and that's how the N7 jacket that she seemed to wear religiously came to be on the Normandy. It had originally just been something comfortable to wear on the Citadel when she visited Kaidan in the hospital, Joker himself could vouch for how uncomfortable the Alliance uniforms got. At first he really did chalk it up to convenience, but at that moment, he thought that maybe she really didn't care anymore. It didn't make her look like the Commander Shepard that everyone seemed to see as some sort of superhero of the galaxy, it made her look like Sandra Shepard, the woman who was just tired of war.

After a bout of silence, he finally asked "So, what brings you up here?"

"I need a drink. And you're going to drink with me." She said, pulling a bottle of what looked like whiskey and two shot glasses from the side of the seat.

He looked at her in confusion "Uh, Shepard, you're seriously asking the guy flying your ship into Reaper territory to get hammered with you?"

She sighed tiredly "Don't make me say 'That's an order'."

Taking the shot glass from her hand, he realized with the look that she gave him that she wasn't kidding. It wasn't one of "Let's drink for fun" drink, if she wanted that, in those days she would've probably sought out Kaidan or Chakwas. It was more of a "I want to drink so I don't think anymore" drink, and it was made more evident with the fact that the fire that normally burned in her blue eyes seemed to be put out. This wasn't a drink for fun.

Had it been any night before Shepard turned herself in, drinking on the bridge would've been a lot livelier. Sometimes the only way the two of them could actually sit through planet scanning was if they were drunk off of their asses. It was also these nights where Joker became one of the few people who knew that she got musical when she drank, whether it was sloppily air drumming to whatever came on the radio, or even singing along, but that called for a lot more in her system. There was one night where she hacked the PA system, but Miranda had put a stop to that quickly.

Knowing the fact she was always a happy drunk was what put Joker off that night. There was no air drumming, no singing, no outbursts of "GOOD MORNING NORMANDY!" over the system in the dead of night, just her sitting in the co-pilot's seat dead silent, staring outside at the passing stars, filling her glass every now and then. There wasn't even any conversation between them.

After he heard the glass being refilled for around a fifth time, he glanced back over. Her eyes seemed to be holding back tears. Something was up.

"Hey Commander, I think you've-"

For some reason, that caused her to fully break down, but not before kicking back the drink she poured. Her hands went for the side of her head, fisting in her brown hair, and seemed to move into the fetal position in the chair. "I'm sorry Joker." She muttered through her sobs.

"Hey now, I was just going to say I think you've had enough. Nothing to be sorry about." She just shook her head in response. "It's not about me being the designated driver here, is it?" After she just kept crying, he sighed and said "Look, if it's about the whole EDI thing, I'm sorry too but-"

Shepard finally responded "No. Not that." She kept trying to calm herself down to no avail "God, I'm so sorry Jeff. If we heard-If I just- Goddamnit!"

He reached out to try to put a hand on her shoulder to try to comfort her, but she shrunk away. "Sandy, please, tell me what's wrong. Please?"

"I failed you! God, I'm sorry. Fucking Reapers have to ruin fucking everything. And Jason… I failed him too!" She sobbed.

The only image going through his head was her reaction when they saw the wreckage of Arcturus Station, Sandra's home as well as her brother's, for themselves. She stood there with a disbelieving expression, a crack in her Commander Shepard mask as she just simply said "I should go" and sped off to her quarters. Later on he would find out that Jason Shepard was listed as MIA. That just seemed to be the second in events that would lead her down her road of events that would just shatter what Commander Shepard was, leaving the tired, war torn woman in her place.

"You didn't do anything."

She kept shaking her head, muttering "No" and "I'm sorry" over and over. The only other thing she said was "I should- I need to go" before bolting off down the bridge. For a woman who seemed to have too much in her system, she ran straight at least.

Joker just sighed "Sandy, what's wrong with you?". The only other times he had ever seen her legitimately cry were after Horizon and with the news that her father died while Cerberus was bringing her back. He was worried, but there wasn't much he would do when she wouldn't talk to him.

He pressed the comm button for starboard observation. "Hey Kaidan, are you there?"

"Yeah, I am. What do you need Joker?"

"Something's wrong with your woman. She came up here, told me to have a drink, and now she's drunk, crying – she wouldn't tell me why - and ran off. You might want to go up to her quarters and check on her."

He heard the major mutter something under his breath, then replied "I'll do that. Thanks for telling me."

"Just trying to help."

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><p>"By the way, you left this up there." He pulled what remained of the small bottle of whiskey out of his jacket pocket as if showing her. "It's been tempting to crack it open again, but I'll wait until you wake up. I have a feeling the both of us need it. It is kind of yours anyway."<p>

Putting it back in his pocket and sitting up, he said "I don't blame you for not telling me. You needed everyone at their best, and even you weren't running at your best. You're probably not going to be okay when you wake up either, but you have us to help you through it. You helped all of us somehow, it's the least we can do. And even if he's gone, I did kind of make that promise to Anderson to look after you."

Not knowing what else to say, he slumped back in the uncomfortable chair. "Hell of a job I've been doing with that huh?" he commented with a scoff.

Kaidan had returned to the room several minutes later, thankfully looking less worse for wear than when he left. "Anything happen while I was gone?" The pilot shook his head "I guess that's better than the alternative."

"What about you? Are you feeling better?" Joker asked, getting up from his friend's bedside.

"Somewhat. I guess I needed a chance to stretch my legs." He replied "Thanks for that, and for staying here with her."

"It's the least I could do for you guys. You two got it worse than I did." There was another silence between the two as Kaidan took back his spot. Joker coughed awkwardly, saying "I should probably get going. Recovery efforts… Funerals to plan and whatnot."

Then came the reply, "Joker, I'm sorry about your family." That made him freeze in his steps. "If there's anything I can do, just let me know."

He wasn't expecting that. Turning back to face the other man, he said "Hey, I'll stop by here when I can. Give you some time for yourself."

"Thanks. I'm sure Sandra's grown tired of only hearing my voice anyway."

Joker scoffed. "I doubt it. She's crazy about you, remember?" This earned a faint smile from the biotic as he continued. "I'll, uh, I'll see you later."

The next few days after Joker's first visit, he did come back to the hospital to let Kaidan have a break, comics and movie summaries in tow. For those thirty minutes, he could believe that everything was alright between them, at least until she woke up and they actually finally talked. It was a nice illusion for a while, it helped keep his mind off of the more pressing matters.

The fifth day was when he stopped. Before he opened the door, he heard a noise from inside. The painfully familiar sound of Shepard crying, and Kaidan trying to console her. He couldn't make out what either was saying, but what mattered was that she was finally awake.

"It's not your place Jeff. Not anymore." He muttered to himself with a sigh.

He took his hand off the door handle and made his way back down the hallway. Another day maybe.


End file.
